ROBERT PATTINSON IS DEAD

GREETINGS, FILTHY MASSES. HORTHBAR APOLOGIZES FOR HIS LONG ABSENCE.

UNFORTUNATELY, HORTHBAR RETURNS BEARING GRIM TIDINGS…

HORTHBAR IS SADDENED TO REPORT THAT HORTHBAR’S FAVORITE ACTOR, ROBERT PATTINSON, HAS DIED OF A STRESS-RELATED ANEURYSM. (SOURCE: CNN.COM)

ROBERT PATTINSON BROUGHT SUCH JOY TO HORTHBAR IN HIS ROLES AS “CEDRIC DIGGORY” IN JUVENILE BESPECTACLED WIZARD AND THE FLAMING DRINKING CHALICE AND ESPECIALLY AS “EDWARD CULLEN” IN LAST YEAR’S EXEMPLARY GLISTENING ABSTINENCE VAMPIRES: THE MOTION PICTURE. HIS ROUGISH CHARM, FIENDISHLY GELLED HAIR, AND WHITE, GLITTERY PANCAKE MAKEUP SHALL TRULY BE MISSED BY ALL. HE IS SURVIVED BY HIS FELLOW THESPIAN, EMPTY-HEADED WOODEN-FACE GIRL.

REST IN PEACE, ROBERT PATTINSON! YOUR DEATH SHALL BE CELEBRATED BY THE TRADITIONAL VIKING FEAST OF MEAD, GOAT TESTICLES, MEAD, BROILED YAK SPLEEN, MEAD, SAUTEED LOBSTER EYEBALL, AND MORE MEAD.

ROBERT PATTINSON

MAY 13TH, 1986 – OCTOBER 24TH, 2009

ANOTHER TRADITIONAL VIKING LOVE POEM

GREETINGS, TOAD-SPAWNED LEGIONS! TODAY HORTHBAR WOULDST LIKE TO SHARE ANOTHER FINE VIKING ROMANCE POEM FROM THE GRAND DAYS OF YORE. THIS WORK OF WHICH I SPEAK IS A COMPOSITION BY ONE OF OUR GREATEST WARRIOR POETS! BEHOLD!

HORTHBAR DEMANDS YOU VISIT THIS SITE!

http://tasakeru.wordpress.com

DO IT NOW! NO QUESTIONS!

HORTHBAR DEMANDS MONEY, PUNY INVERTEBRATES!

HORTHBAR HAS LEARNED THAT HIS PUNY AMERICAN FRIEND HAS DAMAGED HIS SMALL WHITE BOX. HORTHBAR’S FRIEND HAS BEEN WHINING INCESSANTLY AT HORTHBAR EVER SINCE! THIS INFURIATES HORTHBAR! WHAT DO TINY WHITE BOXES OFFER HORTHBAR’S PUNY FRIEND THAT HORTHBAR DOES NOT?! AND YET THE WHINING CONTINUES… OH, THAT TERRIBLE WHINING! HORTHBAR IS TEMPTED TO SPLIT HIS OWN SKULL WITH MIGHTY FRED TO ALLEVIATE THE PAIN!

SO, FOR HORTHBAR’S SAKE, PLEASE DONATE PUNY AMERICAN DOLLARS TO HORTHBAR’S FRIEND’S “SAVE THE WII” FUND. HORTHBAR SUGGESTS THAT THOU CLICKETH ON THE GARISHLY-COLORED LINK BELOW. HORTHBAR THANKS ALL OF THEE IN ADVANCE FOR SAVING HORTHBAR’S SANITY!

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=6122458

A TRADITIONAL VIKING LOVE POEM

O, MY DARLING

HOW I LOVE TO STROKE THY SILKY BRAIDS

AND GAZE INTO THY FATHOMLESS EYES

THEN GRAB THEE BY THINE MILKBAGS AND THROW THEE INTO MINE BED

THEN  I SHALL TIE THEE TO MINE HEADBOARD WITH SHEEP INTESTINES

AND PROCEED TO TEAR OFF ALL THINE GARMENTS WITH MINE TEETH

AND IGNORING THY SCREAMS, THROW MINESELF ON TOP OF THEE AND

[The remainder of this entry has been removed by an administrator for failure to comply with the WordPress Terms of Service Agreements. This user is hereby barred from republishing this poem here or anywhere else by order of the FCC Standards of Basic Human Decency Act of 1996.]

LO, IT IS TIME FOR “ASK HORTHBAR”!

GREETINGS, SMALL AND PITIFUL READERS!

HORTHBAR IS IN A PLEASANT MOOD TODAY! UNFORTUNATELY, THIS MEANS HORTHBAR CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING TO BE ANGRY ABOUT.

THEREFORE, HORTHBAR IS ALLOWING HIS DEVOTED FOLLOWERS TO ASK HORTHBAR QUESTIONS. HORTHBAR SHALL CHOOSE THE MOST ENTERTAINING OF WHICH AND ANSWER THEM UPON THIS VERY PAGE!

A WORD OF WARNING TO THOSE WHO WOULD ABUSE THIS PRIVILEGE: DO NOT MOCK HORTHBAR! OR SO HELP HORTHBAR, HORTHBAR SHALL HUNT THEE DOWN AND INSERT MIGHTY FRED INTO THY ADENOIDAL SINUSES, LENGTHWISE!

FEATURED LINK: TOPLESS ROBOT

TODAY HORTHBAR WOULD LIKE TO CALL ATTENTION TO ANOTHER WARRIOR UPON THE SPHERE OF BLOGS. HORTHBAR’S NOBLE BROTHER IN ARMS IS NONE OTHER THAN ROB BRICKEN, MASTER OF THE DOMAIN CALLED TOPLESS ROBOT.

NOW, AT FIRST HORTHBAR WAS BEFUDDLED BY THE NOMENCLATURE OF THIS DOMAIN. THOUGH HORTHBAR SEARCHED HITHER AND YON THROUGHOUT ITS MIGHTY PAGES, HORTHBAR FOUND NO TRACE OF FEMININE AUTOMATONS BEARING FORTH THEIR BRUSHED STEEL MAMMARIES. AT FIRST, THIS ANGERED HORTHBAR! HORTHBAR PLANNED TO SEPERATE ROB BRICKEN’S PUNY, INEFFECTUAL REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN FROM HIS PELVIS WITH ONE STROKE OF HIS BATTLE AXE, “MIGHTY FRED!”

FORTUNATELY, HORTHBAR’S VALIUM PERSCRIPTION ARRIVED IN A TIMELY FASHION, SO HORTHBAR’S RAGE SUBSIDED ENOUGH TO FURTHER PERUSE THE DOMAIN’S CONTENT.

LO AND BEHOLD, HORTHBAR WAS PLEASED WITH WHAT HE BEHELD THERE! HUMOROUS ANECDOTES! DISTURBING PIECES OF FAN FICTION! LENGTHY TREATISES OF SUCH VENOM AS TO RIVAL HORTHBAR’S OWN! HORTHBAR LAUGHED THE LAUGH OF THE MIGHTY VIKING WARRIOR UPON DISCOVERING SUCH BOUNTIFUL INFORMATION.

THEREFORE, HORTHBAR DEMANDS ALL OF THEE TO VISIT TOPLESS ROBOT IMMEDIATELY! FAILURE TO DO SO WILL RENDER THY NOSTRILS STUFFED FULL OF ANGRY NORWEGIAN DWARF CAMELS!

HORTHBAR’S PUNY AMERICAN FRIEND IS NOW “TWITTERING”… WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

HORTHBAR HAS BEEN INFOMED BY HIS PUNY AMERICAN FRIEND THAT HE HATH VENTURED TO TRY “TWITTERING”.

EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON TO HORTHBAR! WHY WOULD PUNY AMERICANS ENGAGE IN MAKING BIRDCALLS WITH THEIR SMALL PLASTIC BEEPING DEVICES?! THIS CONFUSES AND ANGERS HORTHBAR! YAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

HORTHBAR DEMANDS ALL YE TO WATCH “DOLLHOUSE”!

HORTHBAR HAS DISCOVERED MOST TROUBLING NEWS.

IT SEEMS THAT THE NEWEST SPLENDID WORK BY MIGHTY CREATOR-GOD JOSS WHEDON IS IN DANGER OF CANCELLATION BY DEVELOPMENTALLY STUNTED NETWORK EXECUTIVES. OF COURSE, HORTHBAR SPEAKS OF DOLLHOUSE, THAT STRANGE TALE OF THE FAIR MAID ELIZA DUSHKU AND THE REGULAR WASHING OF HER BRAINS FOR NEFARIOUS PURPOSES! HORTHBAR HAS BEEN MOST PLEASED WITH THE PROGRESS OF THIS GRIPPING SAGA SO FAR. IT WOULD ENRAGE HORTHBAR TO HAVE THE WORK OF MIGHTY CREATOR-GOD JOSS WHEDON CUT SHORT BY SUCH MIDDLING FACTORS AS “NIELSEN RATINGS”!

DO NOT THE PUNY, SUIT-WEARING STINK-WEASELS AT THE FOX NETWORK REALIZE THE FOOLISHNESS OF WHAT THEY CONTEMPLATE?! MIGHTY CREATOR-GOD JOSS WHEDON IS NO FIGURE TO BE TRIFLED WITH! MERELY ONE STROKE OF HIS ALL-POWERFUL HAND CREATES LEGIONS OF DEVOTED DISCIPLES! ANOTHER STROKE WILL SET THEM ALL TO ARMS WITH THE WHITE-HOT FURY OF A MILLION ANGRY NORWEGIAN MONGEESE! DEFYING THE WILL OF MIGHTY CREATOR-GOD JOSS WHEDON CAN ONLY HAVE THE RESULT OF HASTENING THE ARRIVAL OF RAGNAROK ITSELF!

SO, HORTHBAR DEMANDS THIS OF HIS SIMPERING FOLLOWERS: BE SURE TO GAZE UPON THY FLICKERING PICTURE BOXES AT 9 O’CLOCK THIS FRIDAY EVENING NEXT! TELL ALL THY MEWLING, SOFT-HEADED RELATIVES TO DO SO AS WELL! FAIL TO COMPLY WITH HORTHBAR’S DEMANDS, AND HORTHBAR SHALL HAVE NO CHOICE THAN TO HANG THEE BY THY KIDNEYS FROM THE NEAREST STREETLAMP FORTHWITH!

HORTHBAR DOES NOT LIKE THIS SO-CALLED “WOLVERINE”.

EXPLAIN TO HORTHBAR WHY SUCH A MAN HAS MOTION PICTURES DEDICATED TO HIM! TO HORTHBAR’S EYES HE RESEMBLES NOT A WOLVERINE, BUT A SMALL, BADLY-SHAVEN NORWEGIAN STINK-BEAR!

AND WHAT MANNER OF WEAPONS ARE METAL BLADES EMBEDDED BETWEEN ONE’S KNUCKLES?! SUCH WOULD BE USELESS FOR ALL BUT THE MOST RECKLESS OF BATTLE TACTICS. THIS “WOLVERINE” WOULD MERELY NEED TO HAVE HIS PUNY SHOULDERS DISLOCATED TO BE RENDERED HELPLESS UNTO HORTHBAR!

STILL STRANGER IS THE WOLVERINE-MAN’S “HEALING FACTOR”. A TRUE WARRIOR WOULD BE ASHAMED TO HAVE SUCH AN ABILITY! HORTHBAR HAS KNOWN FELLOW VIKINGS TO CONTINUE REVELING IN GLORIOUS BATTLE, EVEN AFTER NAUGHT BUT THEIR MIGHTY SPINAL COLUMNS REMAIN UNSEVERED FROM THEIR BONES! YEA, A VIKING SHOULD WEAR THE SCARS OF WAR LIKE A BADGE OF HONOR! “HEALING FACTOR”… HORTHBAR LAUGHS AT THEE, SMALL, BLADE-BEARING, BEAR-RESEMBLING CANADIAN MAN!